Every day, I am thankful that I have the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom for Benjamin. While money may be tighter than it would be if I worked, I think the trade-off is completely worth it. My life revolves around this little man, and for now, that is how it should be. While I wouldn't trade staying at home with Ben for anything, there are times that it can be isolating. There have been times that I felt like I didn't have anything interesting to say about any topic other than breastfeeding, pooping, sleep schedules, or developmental milestones when out with someone other than Bizzy. And since the moment Ben was born, I discovered that motherhood is flippin hard, ya'll! That should really be the sub-title to that book What to Expect When You're Expecting.
Every single day, I am faced with decisions about Benji's well-being and safety, and there is always a desperation to make the RIGHT choice and do things PERFECTLY. And as any mother would tell you, that hardly every happens; thus, there is an overwhelming sense of mommy guilt associated with most days. Lying in bed at night, I replay scenarios where I could have NOT dropped the toy train on my darling baby's head (just a totally hypothetical scenario...).
Breastfeeding also brings its own set of issues and struggles along with it.
Recently, I've had some issues with low supply, blocked ducts, and Ben's great nursing strike of 2013. There is nothing that has gotten my blood pressure soaring as quickly as attempting to feed Benjamin in the middle of the night and having nothing coming out. He started screaming and I was panicking and my internal monologue was something like, "I can't feed my baby. I can't feed my baby. IcantfeedmybabyIcantfeedmybabyIamtheworstmotherintheworldahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."
The worst. Then came the week where Ben refused to nurse and I was fairly certain that he would never eat again and again, I felt like the worst mother in the world.
Compounding the problem, I've started trying to pump again so that we can get Benji on a bottle, but the pump has failed to work for me now that I haven't used it in over 6 months, so more stress piles up. Anyway, I was starting to lose it a little bit until I posted something on facebook about my struggles and asked for any advice. I was overwhelmed from the responses from other mommies giving me their advice and telling of their own personal struggles. Even if I am not able to make pumping work for me with any of the advice given, the take-away message was priceless: you are not alone. Motherhood is definitely not for sissies. So I want to thank all my mommy family and friends who came to my rescue and helped me realize that motherhood isn't about perfection. Just having someone say, "Dude, that was hard for me too" quiets that crazy, frantic internal monologue in my head a little.
I also want to give a shout-out to my mom and sister who are the best mothers I have ever known. They continually guide and teach me through their quiet strength and unwavering love.
This is a wonderful post. Every mother has felt this way and it's refreshing to hear such a heartfelt, honest perspective. We aren't perfect anything -- humans, co-workers, friends, family. But there is immense love in imperfection. You are so strong and beautiful and Ben will be an amazing example of your and Jonathan's love. Mnay hugs and kisses!--Auntie Mel
ReplyDeleteI know that being a mother is tough. But-in my opinion-you are a very good mother. You may not realize it but you are way ahead of the learning curve for being a good mother. In fact, if I could have chosen a mother for my first grandson it would have been you. Obviously, we don't get to select our grandchild's mother; we just got lucky!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Pappy